Fickle, Meet Faithful

This last Sunday we had a bit of a scare with my pregnancy. Without sharing the gory details, things just weren't the way they were supposed to be. Jake was at one of our youth fundraisers washing cars, and I was at home with the three kids. I called the hospital to let them know what was going on, wondering what I should do. They recommended that I come in. After many back and forths of getting a hold of Jake, finding someone to watch the kids, etc., I was finally in my van, driving to meet my husband so we could go to the hospital together. Thankfully, once we got there, we learned that everything is fine. Things weren't feeling the way they were supposed to, but they were where they needed to be and that was the key. I was sent home with nothing to worry about...a much happier Mama indeed.

Now, the part of the story that I really want to share is what was going on between God and me in those few hours. Here's something I wrote in my quiet time only days before...

"I pray that 2009 will be a year where You help me grow in my faith like I never have before. Transform me from the inside out and bring opportunities to share You with those who need You. You are so worthy. You are enough! Strengthen me, Lord. Chip away my weakness. Mold me, break me, do whatever You have to do to get me in a constant position of giving You all the praise."

My prayer on paper ends here because I stopped and started praying silently to God that, even as I wrote those words, I was scared that praying those things would give Him the place to take away this baby. Call it superstitious, and really, if I'm being honest, that's what it is. I confessed that to Him, and He knows where I'm coming from. It's just that, after last year with the girls, I don't think I can take the thought of losing a child. We came so close with them and, in my head, I justify that we've been through our pain and we don't deserve any more. Crazy thought, I know! It's just that I have this little fear instilled in me that I will lose a child of mine. Never before have I been a worrier, and I still am not to this day...except for this little thought.

So, in those few hours of fear on Sunday, you can bet that I was so quick to disregard my prayer. In my defense, I did at least fight to not have the thoughts I had. That's a start, right? But how quickly I turned my back on God! The One who I professed was enough. Enough means "occurring in such quantity, quality, or scope as to fully meet demands, needs, or expectations." Not only does God meet my needs, He meets my expectations! When things are going well for me, I am quick to say that He surpasses my expectations. But as soon as things are looking grim, I start to question whether God really is Who He says He is.

Thank goodness God isn't fickle like I am. For I am surely not enough for Him - and yet - I am. Another part of my prayer during that quiet time was...

"Lord, I want to be someone who is fearless for You. I want Your Word to be so hidden in my heart that I can't help but have my mouth speak it. I want your light to be visible in me. Lord, help me. I am so weak. I'm frustrated because I've let my faith be watered down by culture, laziness and petty church issues. I don't deserve You saying, 'Well done' to me. And yet, Lord, in spite of myself, You love me. I don't want to forget this and turn it into beating myself up without recognizing Your mercy and grace. For the first time in a while, I see how I really don't deserve You. But You still call me."

God is so good, isn't He? He says to us, "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you" (Isaiah 49:15). Again, He promises, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5). Thankfully, God doesn't change His mind like I do. James 1:17 says, "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

So, all of this to say, that I'm going to make an addendum to my last journal entry. That, not only would I grow this year, but that my faith in my Savior would not be a shifting shadow. That it would be firm and steady, recognizing God for Who He is always - even if He so chooses to take a child of mine. This is difficult for me to even write, but God is so worthy. He deserves my all and my very best. If you've made it to the end of this lengthy entry, listen to this song...one of my favorites and definitely one of my prayers.

Caedmon's Call - Shifting Sands