a messy house and so much more

The other day I was cleaning up the house and I was incredibly proud of all I had done.  The house was a mess before the boys left for the day and the girls and I made even more messes with our playing and baking as the day went on.  I found myself thinking, "I wish Jake could have seen exactly how messy this was so he knew how much I really accomplished today."  (Because yes, I'm incredibly mature like that.)

But that thought started me on a few more.  Like how we really can't appreciate the beauty of things if we haven't seen the messy condition they started in.  Or how we tend to take something's - or someone's - beauty for granted if we've never seen the chaos within.

I know that in my life, God has brought beauty from the messy...from my ever wandering heart in high school, from being away from my family for 7 weeks in a hospital bed only to have the girls in the NICU for almost 3 more months.  From Jake and I struggling so badly in our marriage that I thought I would never be able to look at him and even like him again.  From living in a place for four years where I never had friends that really knew me...really knew me...pretty much until the end and the loneliness that came from that time.

Yet, in all of this, I grew more than ever before.  God redeemed every messy, hurtful situation with a beautiful provision.  

In high school - He showed me His love and protected me from so many hurts.  He eventually gave me a husband who also knew His love and would love me as God calls him to.

In the hospital - He healed my body, gave me new friendships, gave me strength that I never had to rely on before (I now feel like I can take on the world!), and above all, gave me two healthy girls that bring me joy every day.  I look into their faces and I see no sign of the fight they faced when they first graced this planet.  Except for a small scar on Hayden's arm from the pic-line placed to save her life, you would never know they had such obstacles to get through as infants.

In my marriage - He showed me how to persevere, to forgive, to ask forgiveness, what it means to truly let go of the past and to have a humble heart.  Our marriage is better than ever.

In friendships - He taught me that He is the first One I should turn to above all else, but that I also need to put myself out there a bit more.  People won't want to open up to me if I'm constantly a closed door to them.  He gave me incredible friendships there and I've been blessed with so many new friendships in our time here already.

All of this is to say that I've seen God make a lot of beauty out of ashes in my only 28 years of life.  Sometimes I think we strive to have a "no-hurt life" where people are always kind to us, say exactly what we want them to, we're always healthy and so is everyone we love.  We want money to always be flowing in and no stress in any way.  It seems like that would be truly receiving God's blessing.

But that's not when God is at His best.  

If everything in the world worked out perfectly and we never had to depend on Him for anything, how much more would we take Him for granted?  If people were always kind and faithful to us, being exactly what we needed when we needed it, how much more would we deny our relationship with Him?

The last two years, I've prayed something pretty bold throughout the year.  It's this simple statement:  "Lord, do whatever You need to do to draw me closer to You."  This can be a scary thing to pray because it's often in the hard times that we draw nearer to God.  But I absolutely believe and know that it's after those hard times (and sometimes within them as well) that we can see the beauty that God had in mind for us the entire time.

I'm not saying pray for disaster and calamity to take over your life!  But I am saying that maybe we shouldn't be so quick to want an escape route.

Maybe God is doing something incredible inside the chaos.

It's after the storm that a rainbow is reflected.

It's after they start to die that fall leaves are so rich and beautiful.

It's after a hard, dead winter, that the buds and blossoms and green grass almost hurt our eyes, they're so rich with color.

And it's after we fall that He can pick us up.  I pray that every time He picks us up, we can see from His perspective.  That His redemption and restoration of our trials in life will shine so much brighter than the messes.  That we appreciate that beauty...His beauty.

My prayer for me.  And my hope for you. :)

matthew 3:16-17

For the last few weeks, I've been doing Beth Moore's 90 day study on Jesus for my quiet time in the morning.  At first, I have to admit, I struggled with it because I'm used to doing her "regular" Bible studies in the morning which prove to be intense and long.  In this 90 day one, I often only read a verse or two of Scripture, answer a couple of questions and then read a little synopsis she's written.  My initial impression was, "Really?  What am I going to get out of this when I'm barely reading anything?"

But was I ever wrong.  Funny thing...God can use even just a few words from His Word and challenge me throughout my day.  He has already done this multiple times through this study, even with my negative attitude.  This morning was one of those mornings that I pulled a lot from the words laid on those pages.

Here is the text:

"As soon as Jesus was baptized, He went up out of the water.  At that moment heaven was opened and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and alighting on him.  And a voice from heaven said, "This is my Son, whom I love; with Him I am well pleased."  Matthew 3:16-17

One of the questions asked was about receiving a father's blessing and what kind of mark that leaves on a person whether they have received it or not.  Since Jake and I work in youth ministry, we see daily the difference a loving father makes in the life of his child.  We've seen both the blessings and, really, the curses, if you will, that come from a father and his abundance or lack of love and support.  A child with a father's love tends to be full of respect for his/herself and has confidence to face the world.  A child without a father's love tends to face this world constantly looking for something to fill that void.  Obviously there are exceptions to this, but this tends to be the norm.

It's also been researched that the filter we view God through is the same filter we view our fathers through.  So, if your father was loving?  God is loving.  If your father was abusive?  God is messed up and full of wrath as well.  It's such an interesting parallel and one I'm not really diving into today, but it just brings a little more light to what I'm thinking through this afternoon.

Beth pointed out that on this particular day, as Jesus began His ministry, God opened up heaven...a place Christ hadn't seen for a long time...about 30 years to be exact!  She also pointed out that Jesus probably wasn't audibly hearing the Father's voice every day since God called him to sympathize with us here on earth so this was an incredibly special moment for him.  She writes,

"So the audible voice of His Father sounding forth at His baptism must have just fallen on Jesus with the dearest of familiarity.  This was the love of His life.  I want to think that through the night, He replayed that voice and blessing in His own mind a thousand times.  "He loves Me.  Life is hard here, but He's proud of Me.  I have the blessing.  I have the blessing."

These are of course not words found in Scripture but I love her idea of what Jesus may have thought after not being with His Father for so long.

Don't we all need that?  A boost to know we're doing okay?  And where do we turn to get that boost?  

I know in my own life, it's to two people...my husband and my dad.  Sure, I have friends, my sister and sisters-in-law, even my mom to tell me that I'm doing a great job.  But for some reason, it's from these two men in my life that I receive the greatest blessing when they let me know that they're behind me and they have my back.

It made me think what kind of parents Jake and I are and whether or not we're offering this kind of love and acceptance to our kids.

So this morning, my journaling was this:

"God, thank You for the kind of Father You are.  I love that when Christ began His ministry, You made sure to open Heaven to let Him know how You loved Him and approved of Him.  So many kids today don't have that from their parents.  Please remind Jake and I to be that for our kids - to be their #1 supporters and encouragers, especially when rough roads lie ahead.  Help us to encourage the kids in the ways You've made them and not for our own gain. (That's such a biggie, isn't it?!?) Thank You for setting such an example of love for Your Son - and that it's something practical that we can do for our kids too.  You are so awesome and I'm so blessed You're my Father too!"

I want my kids, throughout each of their days, to be able to say, "They love me.  Life is hard here, but they're proud of me.  I have the blessing.  I have the blessing."  And, ultimately, my prayer is that they will be able to repeat this same thought about their Father in heaven because of the love and approval we've extended to them.

I think this is probably one of the greatest blessings I can give to the little blessings God has given me.

Some Days

Some days, I don't wake up filled to the brim with patience.

Some days, I don't get a shower until right before dinner, when Jake comes home from work and the day is pretty much over.

Some days, my bedroom floor is SO covered with laundry that I can't even walk in it without very strategically planning my steps.

Some days, the rest of my house follows the pattern of my bedroom, only with toys instead of clothes...well, some clothes might be strewn in there.

Some days, I think, "If I have to wipe down this highchair one more time..." or "If I have to go in there and tell them it's bedtime and to go to sleep one more time...".

Some days, I feel like I can't possibly handle this task of motherhood...homemaker...wife.  I'm not keeping up with it all and I feel like one of the balls that I'm constantly trying to catch is going to drop, break and I will fail miserably at what I've been called to do.

Today is one of those days.

But then I'm reminded...

Every day is filled with God's grace...and this tired momma is so thankful for that today.

Mr. President

I just finished watching the Presidential Inauguration (thank goodness for DVR!). Many different thoughts and emotions struck me during this momentous occasion. Watching the sea of Americans who traveled to Washington, D.C. for this man made me wonder if there have ever been that many present at an inauguration before. I am not usually a fan of politics, and I don't typically follow government so closely as I have since this last election. However, even I find myself caught up in the emotion and the excitement of what Barack Obama delivers to our nation. Watching people in Kenya and other nations around the world and seeing the joy that even they have, I can't help but be excited that this is happening in my country, during my lifetime. Our new President gives many hope and an assurance that all will be well. Our economy will grow stronger, our earth will be greener, and nations will grow more peaceful.

As badly as I want all of these things to happen, I can't help but wonder how much we're putting our reliance on one person. I can't help but feel sorry for him, as an entire world rests all of their burdens on his shoulders, praying that he will fix it for them. Unfortunately, even I have to catch myself falling into this idealism. When I listen to his speeches and get dreamy-eyed about what our new leader will do for our country, I realize that I also struggle with looking to him to "fix" us. If my heart leans that way, even with the faith that I hold, how much more will others who have no faith lean toward that?

Listening to Rick Warren pray for our new President, I was in hope that that sea of people would truly be listening to his words - words about Jesus Christ and our hope in Him. Christ wants us to put all of our burdens on Him and pray that He can fix them. Truly, He is the only One who can make any of us better. Through Him are we able to reach our full potential. Through Him are we able to bring change to America and to our world.

Colossians says, "For by him (Christ) all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him."

We are here for God. We were created by Him and we are here to glorify Him. This is our purpose. It's Barack Obama's true purpose also, being created by Him just as everyone of us has been. So I'm going to pray not that Barack Obama would take care of our nation, but that God would use the rulers and authorities He has put into place to allow His work to be done. America is not God's chosen nation - but we, those who hold Him in our hearts, are God's people. His chosen sons and daughters. Let's look to Him then, not forgetting that He is in charge - He is the ruler of not just the free world, but the entire universe. And that He not only rules it, He created it and He loves it.

I am hopeful for our new President and I'm hopeful for a better world. But let's find our true hope for a better world in Christ - our real Rock and Redeemer.

What do YOU think?

I saw this topic on another blog and thought it would be fun to see what my own bloggy friends feel about it. How do you feel about a collection of stuffed animals in the back window of cars? I admit that I tend to judge people right off the bat when I see them and kind of turn my nose at the fuzzy faces staring back at me while I sit at a stoplight. I can give grace when I see a carseat in the vehicle and think that maybe they're the kids' toys. But what does a 50 year-old woman need with them? What is the meaning of it? Is it just for decoration or for something more? I am truly boggled by this and I can't wait to hear what you all have to say!

Scars

I've been reading a book about healing and, in it, the author points out something pretty interesting. Usually when we try to go about healing ourselves, we think that we need to erase the painful things that have happened to us - that we will truly feel restoration once we have no marks on us any longer. But wounds that are left untreated or covered, as many of us tend to do, don't heal as they should.

I think that the self-help industry jumps on this bandwagon and makes their billions off of it. "Just follow these few simple steps and your past will be forgotten completely."

But what if we're not meant to forget all together? What if our pasts, as painful as they may be, are supposed to be with us always? I'm not saying there isn't hope for restoration - of course there is. But when Jesus came back and appeared to Thomas, He appeared with the scars on His hands and feet. John 27 shows Jesus inviting Thomas to see His hands and feet and even takes Thomas' hand and puts it to His side where He was pierced. Jesus is in His glorified body, yet the scars are still visible.

I think our scars are supposed to be visible too. Really, it is through our scars that we are able to minister to others in empathy. When we have lost a loved one or had someone wrong us in such a horrible way - we can find restoration in Christ so those scars don't hurt anymore. But then, we can take ourselves, scars and all, and minister to others. We can take others' hands and say, "See me. Hear me. I care about you and I can fully understand what you are going through."

I don't understand why so many people are into erasing their past hurts when we can use them in such a way to bring glory to God. In reality, it is usually the hard times that mold us into the people we are - they are part of our identity. And for us to be able to take them once they are healed and give love and encouragement to someone else - what a gift.

Starbucks IV

Saw this on another blog this morning and thought it was so funny - - - - and sad enough, too true for my life somedays! Although I am trying to cut down on caffeine while pregnant, this picture gives me great joy - - - - maybe when my steam starts to run out, I'll just look at this picture and dream of my Starbucks IV!

The Messiness

As I've been going through my quiet time each morning, I found myself studying Christ's birth during this Christmas season. Never before have I taken the time to think about the nativity story, as I usually just go along with the usual picture we've all been given since we were children. But this year was different and it started with a message I heard about the messiness of what Christ was born into. The nativity scene I display in my home is quite pretty...very plain and definitely not showy, but I make sure that the shepherds and wise men are placed "just so" amongst the animals so that they are symmetrically placed and we get an unobstructed view of each of Christ's visitors. However, my nativity scene doesn't have dirt around it anywhere, and it definitely doesn't smell like I'm sure the manger would smell. The animals I display are clean and leave no unwanted waste behind them. Isn't it funny that we make sure our nativity scenes are so perfectly beautiful when the real scene where Jesus was born was anything but? Of course the story we are so familiar with is beautiful solely because it's about Jesus' birth. But the situation He came into was anything but perfect. I was reading this morning again about Mary and Joseph and how they probably endured incredible ridicule from their communities. The Bible doesn't tell us so, but we do know that Elizabeth and Zacharias were ridiculed when they couldn't conceive, so it's only logical to believe that Mary and Joseph endured the same type of hardship - if not worse - when Mary was told she was pregnant and she wasn't even married yet. Still.....Mary and Joseph obeyed and it was all worth it when they saw the face of their son - their Lord.

So what are we called to in our lives? Much like Mary and Joseph, and that manger scene, I find myself in "messiness" much of the time. Many of my life's circumstances are not the perfectly beautiful ideal that I had in mind when I dreamed of life as a little girl. Still, I am realizing that God has called me to fulfill many different roles amongst the messiness. As a wife, mother, and follower of Christ, life isn't always filled with a pleasant aroma. But I am seeing now that when I choose to obey as Mary and Joseph did many many years ago, I too see the face of my Lord more clearly. There is nothing more beautiful and no feeling compares. Of all of the gifts I've been given this Christmas season, this lesson is one I am most thankful for.

One Down......Lots to Go!

"No more homework, no more books......"

I have finished this semester of college! It's a small feat, I realize, but for me it's a landmark because this is the first semester of school I've completed in six years. And I'm loving it! Last night I had my last exam in Spanish and I think it went very well. In fact, I think I'm actually pulling a 4.0 at Purdue, which is amazing considering all of the ups and downs I had this semester. With being so sick with this pregnancy early on and missing days due to time in the hospital, I was worried that I would go over my absence limits. I think I did in one class, but the professor was understanding enough to not mark me down. The class I am most excited to have over is my English class.....no more writing papers just to write papers! I am sure I will be writing papers the rest of the way through college, but hopefully the professor will give me a topic to write about rather than saying, "Write about anything you think is important - but follow this style of writing, make sure you're making it interesting for your audience too, and of course, it has to be ten pages long." I hate having guidelines that are so vague!

Anyway, I am looking forward to a couple of weeks off from schoolwork and then hopefully I can start up in January with some online classes I found at another college. I'm hoping to take a History class and a Sociology class and then have them transfer. Originally I was going to take the full semester off, but I just can't bring myself to not working toward my degree for that long of a time.

I have to admit, I got a weird feeling as I drove off campus last night and realized I had no reason to go there until next fall. It was a bit bittersweet, actually. That sounds so dorky, I'm sure, as most people are racing to leave school. But I think the learning bug has bit me again and I'm the student I was in high school where I find learning interesting - time consuming, yes, but worth every bit of effort you put into it. I think also that going back to school has been "my" thing. It has nothing to do with me being a mom or a wife, but it's about what I've longed to do and what I feel God is calling me to do eventually. That's been a great feeling, as selfish as it sounds. Well, if it is selfish, then I'm guilty of that - but I really do feel like I'm finally working on fulfilling what God has gifted me in (next to being a mother and wife of course) and there can be nothing more important than that!

A Lesson from Rachel

I was reading the other day in Genesis about Jacob and Rachel and something caught my eye that I hadn't really paid attention to before. If you read chapter 31:22-35, you'll find how Rachel stole her father's gods and then lied to him and said she couldn't get up because it was her "time of the month" (as the gods were tucked below where she was sitting). Of course her father wouldn't ask for her to get up, let alone touch anything she had been touching because she was considered unclean at that time.

For some reason, Rachel believed that these idols would accomplish something for her and her family. She must have believed this if she stole them and then lied about them. It wasn't enough for her to rest upon the true God, the Lord Who was the God of her husband, Jacob. She felt that she needed to bring something else along with her "just in case".

It's easy to want to judge Rachel and think of her actions as foolish, but we must first examine ourselves before we scrutinize her. What rope do you cling to that has no power? What is your "just in case"? A friend that could turn against you at any moment? A retirement fund that could go down the drain with one downturn of the market? A paycheck that could end tomorrow? I realize that too often I put my trust in things so weak, so powerless. The only strong rope we need to cling to is God. He is sturdy, He won't let go.

Unfortunately Rachel felt she needed more security and found it in things that weren't secure at all. How often do I do the same? How often do you? When our "I AM" is always near? He is, He was and He always will be.....do we need anything more than that?

A Feast Prepared for You

So I have to comment about an earlier post that I wrote on community and how I feel like I need it in my life for my own spiritual growth. I was doing my Bible study yesterday and read this quote by D.L. Moody:

"You know it is always regarded a great event in the family when a child can feed himself....At first perhaps he uses the spoon upside down. But by and by he handles it all right, and mother, or perhaps sister, claps her hands and says, 'Just see, baby's feeding himself!' Well, what we need as Christians is to be able to feed ourselves. How many are there who sit helpless and listless, with open mouths, hungry for spiritual things, and the minister has to try and feed them, while the Bible is a feast prepared into which they never venture."

I couldn't believe my eyes as I read. It felt like God was literally right in front of me and was, in a way, giving me what for. I have been neglecting the true value of the Word of God. I have been complaining because I don't have people to guide me along in my walk with the Lord. I have been sitting helpless and listless, hungry for spiritual things. And I have been blaming my situation with no community for my spiritual state. But it's not the fact that I don't have community. And it's not the fact that things might be better elsewhere. It's the fact that I haven't been looking at the Bible as a feast. When Moody says this, it opens my eyes to how much the Bible really is....how much it has to offer. How often do I just treat it like it's a book I have to read? I rarely go into reading my Bible recognizing it as a feast that has been prepared for me.....and that through this feast, my spiritual life will grow leaps and bounds. In Hebrews the author talks about spiritual milk and solid food....I have been choosing milk lately....much to God's dismay, I'm sure. It's just such an easy road to not pursue anything on my own. It's way easier to complain that I don't have the support I need. I suppose it's a fear....what if I still don't grow when I'm trying to learn on my own? But that's just it! It's not on my own....it's with God, through His Word....again, this feast that He has prepared. I'm so thankful that my study has provided this quote to get me thinking....I guess I'm growing just in this little study, aren't I? Funny how that happens!

Proverbs 17:1

For those of you who struggle with comparing what you don't have to what others have, remember this verse:

"Better a dry crust with peace than a house full of feasting with strife."

I have been carrying around this verse with me for a while now, but I am especially trying to remember it today as I look around me and I want more. Hopefully it will be a blessing to you!

The Joy of the Lord is My Strength

I'm starting this book by Debi Pearl entitled "Created to be His Help Meet". I am only in the second chapter, so I don't know whether or not it's a book I will fully recommend, but she made a point that I found incredibly interesting. She was talking about finding joy and that we will find it more easily the more we give thanks to God. At initial glance, it seems backwards, doesn't it? That we need to give thanks in order to receive joy? Doesn't it seem like we should be receiving joy in order to give thanks? But I think she's right on. The more thanksgiving we offer to God the more joy we will find in our hearts. I don't know about you, but I know that I don't go around every day offering my thanksgiving up to God. And there are so many things that I should be thankful for! I find myself sometimes thinking (more often than I'd like to admit) "Once I get this, I'll be happier" or "Once this happens, then I'll have a peace about where I am in life". But it never proves true. Yesterday, as I mentioned in the previous post, Jake and I went shopping and we each got a new pair of running shoes. While in the store, I was so excited and I felt like I was riding on cloud nine. It was such a great feeling to be able to buy something fun and I got complete satisfaction, almost telling myself that the purchase we just made was exactly what I had needed to feel better about my day. But then, as we sat in the car an hour and a half later, stuck in traffic with Cole covered in milkshake and screaming in the backseat, I was not feeling satisfied. I was not feeling as joyous as I felt when I stepped up to the counter to purchase my new shoes. And I actually thought, "Those shoes mean nothing...why do I put any emphasis on them?"

Joy is not something we can make ourselves.....it is something we receive from God. It is not a temporary fix.....it is lasting and endures throughout pain and suffering. Job 20:5 says, "the joy of the godless lasts but a moment." This is the kind of joy I think I search for on a daily basis. But considering that joy is a fruit of the Spirit, isn't it something I should have on a continual basis through my faith in Jesus Christ? I have to say that I don't think I'm the only one who struggles with this either. I don't see many Christians who have a true joy.....because when I do see someone who has this, they stick out like a bright, rare light. I'm just challenging myself to give thankfulness to God and to learn what it means to be truly joyful. If anyone has learned anything on this themselves, I'd love to hear about it!

Community

I have realized since moving that I am a person who needs community. I thrive off of relationships with other people, particularly those who encourage me in my faith. While I don't want to make our new home and new church sound like it's completely inept at building community, I must say that I haven't been so alone ever before. Full-time ministry is a strange thing....people think you've "got it" - that you are spiritually above, therefore needing no support or encouragement in your own walk. I have never desired discipleship more than I do now. Looking back, I realize that the kind of discipleship I had in Michigan and Chicago was found more in every day occurrences, not necessarily in a set meeting time with the same person each time. I was discipled before and after I baby-sat my pastor's kids, in the youth Bible study I co-led, in the coffee times I had with different women in the church, and even Sunday mornings as I sat and listened to someone I knew had a passion for the Word.....no matter which pastor was preaching that morning!

So now that I find myself in a place that lacks a community for Jake and me to be a part of, my question is, how do I fill that hole? As Jake and I talked about this yesterday, I realized that I am trying so hard to keep afloat in my faith, and since November, I've been trying pretty much on my own. Jake says that that's just how things happen in ministry and that we need to try and find ways to challenge ourselves.....but I just can't accept that now that we're in ministry, we are on in island when it comes to our own relationships with Christ. Maybe I am depending on others too much, allowing them to influence my life more than I should. And, as I cry out for relationship with someone....ANYONE!.....I think, "Is this where God wants me right now? Does He not want me to have anyone there? Is He trying to teach me something I wouldn't learn if I was surrounded with community?"

I'm sure this sounds like a bunch of rambling.....sorry for that. I guess I'm just feeling a bit lost....if you have any advice, please share!