I'm not good at waiting.  I'd love to think that I sit patiently before God and just twirl my finger in the gold dust on the floor of His throne room until He answers my questions.  He looks down at me with a smile on His face, so pleased with this daughter of His who easily waits without becoming anxious or annoyed.

Every day around 4 P.M., I wish that I could change my name from "Mommy" to something else.  Maybe Gabriella.  Or Jacqueline.  I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get tired of hearing those names screamed over and over and over again.  (I'm pretty sure my kids wouldn't be able to pronounce them!)  I don't know how many times a day I answer, "Just a minute, please!" while I get things in order so I can best serve the kids.  Much to their chagrin, it's not always possible for me to drop everything and do what they want right then and there.  Sometimes I just plain say "no".  Then, they unveil the tears and the tantrums and the whining.  Oh, the whining.

Don't they know that I'm trying to do the best I can?  Don't they realize that sometimes other things have to be set in place before I'm able to give them what they want?  Don't they know I love them and I would do anything I possibly could for them as long as it's in their best interest?  Sometimes they have the nerve to act like I'm trying to do anything BUT love them!

Hmm....here is the part where we reach conviction.

Don't you know I love you?  Don't you know that I'm doing what's best because I know what's best and in your best interest even more than you do?  Even if I say no?  And, should I say yes, don't you realize that I have to move and rearrange other things in order to give you the best possible circumstances and to work everything according to My will?  

So, I guess the picture painted is really more like one that takes place in my kitchen pretty much every day.  Where I'm at God's feet, pulling on His leg, unveiling my tears and kicking the gold dust at His feet during my tantrums.  I'm sure He doesn't always mind the tears.  He's much more compassionate than I am.  But oh, the whining.

I'm so glad that God is patient with my waiting skills that resemble that of a toddler's.  Oftentimes my kids will give up and just walk away and, to be honest, oftentimes I'm thankful they do.  God is different in this way though.  He sticks around when we're calling out to Him over and over and over again.  Not only does He stick around, He draws us in and we see more of Him than we can from the distance away where we began.

Many people quote Jeremiah 29:11 but I've found that 29:12 and 13 are far greater:  "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

 Better than any answer to any of my pleas is the truth that the more I search, the more I find God.  The more I am still and abiding in Him, there will I find peace.

I'm at such a tender place of trusting Him with so many different things right now.  But I know that He is good all the time and I'm thankful He lets me approach His throne at all.  This brings a sweet comfort and pushes me to want to be all the more patient.


Jean said...

Megan, Megan.... I really think you have come so much farther in your journey than even you think. You - seriously - should write a book. This particular blog would be a perfect chapter in a book for young (or old) moms trying to meet the needs of their family and still carve out time for God and draw closer to Him. Not to mention time for themselves (right.) I would like an autographed copy, please. Love you - AJ

Faders said...

Megan, I have to totally agree with what your friend Jean wrote. I laughed and even teared up as I read through your blog just now. You are such an amazing writer, truly you are!
I tried calling you with the number I have for you and it was someone else. Will you email me your phone number so I can call to hear your voice? I can't wait!
Love Bethany

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