Today is the day.
I'm sitting in Jake's office and he just left to tell the first service of church that we are leaving. I am shaking with nerves beyond what I thought was possible. I'm more scared of our students finding out next service, while I sit among them, Jake sharing that we are leaving, not just the church, but them.
How will they feel? Will they feel betrayed? Will they be angry or sad? Maybe neither? And really, since we're not moving on to another position, what else can I say besides, "It's time"? How do you explain to someone whose life is so regimented by things they have to do (high school, sports, band, etc.) that sometimes God can lead you to just pick up and move in a different direction? After all, we're so often telling these kids to stay on the course of obeying their parents, honoring God in their school and with their friends...just stay on the course that God has you on, proving your faith along the way.
I realize that in us leaving, we're still staying on "the course." But some days it doesn't feel like it. We are leaving our church with nowhere to go, no job to work, no community to surround us. We are officially wandering in the desert. I am trying so hard to maintain and prove my faith but some moments of panic or sadness get the best of me.
Sometimes when God leads, He just asks you to follow...no questions asked. Sometimes I get angry with this but I know I do this with our kids. "Obey me because I am your mother. You don't need to know why. Do as I say, right away." If I'm "qualified" to say this to my children solely because I am their mom, how much more is my Heavenly Father qualified to say this to me? And how much more does He have our best interest in mind even more than I do for our kids? I know this to be beyondashadowofadoubt true.
But I'm also learning why my little ones cry when I don't give them full reasons...the whys of life. I guess if there's one thing I want to impress on our students then, too, it's to follow God even when you're questioning where He's leading. If you have that beyondashadowofadoubt trust that He is guiding your steps, all you need to do is take them. I hope that, instead of feeling like we've up and left them caught in the middle of a divorce, they can see us as examples of following Him one last time before we go.