Two nights ago, I lost a dear friend. I met Amy when I was 18 and she was 26. Her husband had just been hired as the worship pastor at the church I had just started attending with Jake. Shortly after they moved here, Amy was diagnosed with breast cancer. I really didn't know her that well, but knew that I wanted to/was able to help in some way and I started babysitting for their little one year-old, Katelyn, while Amy and Josh went to her appointments. Who knew at that time what she would become for me?
Seven years later, I'm in the hospital with the twins who are about to come early at 24 weeks. The fear and worry that encased me was paramount. In the midst of doctors and medicines and everyone's well wishes from afar, I was drowning in the idea of losing my babies and the grief that would ensue. I shut down. Right or wrong, I felt like no one I knew understood what I was feeling so I would keep it all to myself instead.
Enter Amy.
Amy delivered her twin girls early and even lost one of them right away. When she found out what was going on with us three hours away, she started emailing me almost every day. She was the one person I felt I could be myself with. Many of my emails would have been tear-stained had they been on paper. Many were venting. Many were filled with jokes and fun crafts to occupy my time in the hospital. Some of those craft ideas I used in the girls' nursery. She wrote me ahead of time, letting me know what to expect once the twins were born, how I could bond with them and that everything I was feeling was normal. I can't tell you how nice that was when I felt I had to play a part for the many other people that pranced around saying, "I know they'll be fine" when I felt like a failure for even having them here so early in the first place!
Amy inspired me to write. The whole reason I even have this blog is because of Amy. She gave me the idea to write about what was happening and then even designed my blog about the twins. I am so thankful to her for being my earthly rock during that time. I could confide in her like no one else at the time, even Jake. She was there, encouraging and lighting the way with her love and support for the both of us. She understood how your marriage takes a hard hit when stress levels hit the ceiling. She understood the depression that comes after your babies are born too early and you can't bond with them. She understood the helplessness and helped turn it into hopefulness. She really is such a huge part of me making it through that time, not only in one piece, but better than I was before. God used her greatly.
The incredible thing is, I know she did this for so many people besides me. In her almost nine years of fighting cancer, she gave hope and love to so many. Whether it was through her circle of friends who were also battling cancer, the other pastor's wives in the church, or just a bunch of us watching her from afar as her faith remained strong through it all.
One of the last times I got together with Amy was in Illinois at a Best Brands Resale. We met at the Starbucks by her hotel and had such a great visit laughing at funny stories about our kids and talking about food and shopping. It was so lighthearted and carefree and just...wonderful.
We will miss her here and I ask for prayers for her husband and especially her two little girls. They will miss their mommy for sure. I'm so thankful for the truth that she is in Heaven and is completely cancer free now. It's been a battle she has been fighting for so long and now she can reign victorious with Jesus. Praise God.
Lull
Okay, so who knew that we were already in the middle of October? Seriously! Where in the world is the time going?
My writing has been a little lacking, wouldn't you say? And it isn't for lack of things going on in life that I'm not putting pen to paper....or fingers to keys. Quite the contrary. I have so many different things on my mind, it's CHOOSING what to write about that's the problem.
I've read that the key to a successful blog is to be consistent in posting and even to post ahead so that you're planned out and have interesting things for people to consider throughout their day. Obviously, I'm not in the market for having a "successful" blog. I am, however, keeping it real and sticking to my original purpose for writing, which is trying to keep in touch. It used to be keeping in touch with family and now it's keeping in touch with whomever is "out there". But it's also become a place to keep in touch with who is right here...me.
It's easy to fall into comfort here and when you're in comfort, you don't often stop to notice what's happening around you - or inside of you. I picture it like slinking into a large, soft, feather-full duvet where I just close my eyes and fall asleep to anything outside of myself. Yeah, some days are like that.
Then, other days are so filled with emotion and reality that I don't know what to deal with first and I'm spinning around and around on a ride much like the one Jake affectionately calls the Tilt-a-Hurl. It's not pretty.
Balance.
I'm looking for some balance and hoping that if I spew out everything happening here, I will be able to find some rhythms in life again.
So just a warning: I can pretty much guarantee that the next few postings will be anything but pretty and most likely anything but insightful. They will probably mean nothing to anyone but myself. I encourage you that, if you're bored, just walk away. But, if you're kooky like me and like to see what other people's REAL lives are like, read on! We can make my solo therapy session a group therapy!
I just had a friend post on Facebook that if you want to go fast, go alone. But if you want to go far, go together. I love that. I guess that would be my interesting thought for the day....although stolen, it's filled with hope. And I've been needing some hope.
My writing has been a little lacking, wouldn't you say? And it isn't for lack of things going on in life that I'm not putting pen to paper....or fingers to keys. Quite the contrary. I have so many different things on my mind, it's CHOOSING what to write about that's the problem.
I've read that the key to a successful blog is to be consistent in posting and even to post ahead so that you're planned out and have interesting things for people to consider throughout their day. Obviously, I'm not in the market for having a "successful" blog. I am, however, keeping it real and sticking to my original purpose for writing, which is trying to keep in touch. It used to be keeping in touch with family and now it's keeping in touch with whomever is "out there". But it's also become a place to keep in touch with who is right here...me.
It's easy to fall into comfort here and when you're in comfort, you don't often stop to notice what's happening around you - or inside of you. I picture it like slinking into a large, soft, feather-full duvet where I just close my eyes and fall asleep to anything outside of myself. Yeah, some days are like that.
Then, other days are so filled with emotion and reality that I don't know what to deal with first and I'm spinning around and around on a ride much like the one Jake affectionately calls the Tilt-a-Hurl. It's not pretty.
Balance.
I'm looking for some balance and hoping that if I spew out everything happening here, I will be able to find some rhythms in life again.
So just a warning: I can pretty much guarantee that the next few postings will be anything but pretty and most likely anything but insightful. They will probably mean nothing to anyone but myself. I encourage you that, if you're bored, just walk away. But, if you're kooky like me and like to see what other people's REAL lives are like, read on! We can make my solo therapy session a group therapy!
I just had a friend post on Facebook that if you want to go fast, go alone. But if you want to go far, go together. I love that. I guess that would be my interesting thought for the day....although stolen, it's filled with hope. And I've been needing some hope.
Two Little Monkeys
While the brother is away...
...the sisters will climb!
Maurah and Hayden have found a new fascination at their Grandpa and Grandma's...TREES!
The last couple of days, while Cole was at school and the girls were getting cabin fever, we've taken them outside and have been climbing trees. The first day, only Hayden was really interested in climbing.
(Ugh...this picture makes me think of senior pictures...I do NOT want to go there.)
Maurah did for a little bit but I think just so she wasn't outdone by her little sister. We started on this tree...a very sturdy, yet very mild form of tree.
It's near impossible for them to go much higher than this, which this momma really likes. Then, I walked outside yesterday to find them in this gargantuan of a tree!
Of course it was their dad who introduced this big fella to them! They were having the time of their lives! Maurah was just as much into it as Hayden and, in fact, climbed up the highest all by herself!
It was so fun to be taking these pictures of them.
Again, senior portrait worthy. These have GOT to stop!
I think their smiles tell it all, don't you? Who knew all the fun we were missing out on by not having a yard at our last house? Note to self: next house MUST have trees.
Have a happy go-monkey day!
...the sisters will climb!
Maurah and Hayden have found a new fascination at their Grandpa and Grandma's...TREES!
The last couple of days, while Cole was at school and the girls were getting cabin fever, we've taken them outside and have been climbing trees. The first day, only Hayden was really interested in climbing.
Maurah did for a little bit but I think just so she wasn't outdone by her little sister. We started on this tree...a very sturdy, yet very mild form of tree.
It's near impossible for them to go much higher than this, which this momma really likes. Then, I walked outside yesterday to find them in this gargantuan of a tree!
Of course it was their dad who introduced this big fella to them! They were having the time of their lives! Maurah was just as much into it as Hayden and, in fact, climbed up the highest all by herself!
It was so fun to be taking these pictures of them.
Cole's First Day of Preschool!
Cole's first day went great. Neither of us cried...I was so proud of BOTH of us! He was such a brave little man. I can't believe we've started the school stage. I said to Jake yesterday, "Do you realize that we will be a part of school for at least the next 18 years starting today?" Craziness. Here are some of our first day memories...
Winning the Race
We've had some bad days. While the move did go well like I posted earlier, we have had some bad days. Not terrible, but not too pleasant either. There are lots of tantrums, screaming, arguing, hitting, hair pulling and whining. I realize this comes with the territory of having two two year-olds and a four year-old but I'm also noticing a pattern.
The other day Cole had to be at his school at 9 A.M. for his preschool open house. I dropped the twins off with his mom (just one of the perks of her working at the school!) and then rushed Cole and Laina to the elementary to be on time. I wanted to be "The Mom." You know, the one who has everything perfectly organized, her child perfectly groomed...and then you throw in my love for and experience in the classroom and I think I've got this role of "The Mom" made. I'm a shoe-in!
Yeah.
What happened instead was me not getting all of us out the door in time, forgetting to wipe Cole's face from his cinnamon toast breakfast, putting his important medical form in my purse with Laina's uncapped bottle, only to have it leak all over my cell phone, wallet and melting that medical form to sticky shreds. In the midst of yelling at Cole while he threw a fit that he didn't get to play on the playground like the twins, holding the door to the kids' bedroom shut with Maurah having an outrageous tantrum on the other side and multiple other little events that could mirror both of these images I've portrayed, I came across this post and I realized that I'm not "The Mom." I'm "That Mom." "That Mom" is the one that's always rushing because she never leaves herself enough time. "That Mom" is always checking off her list but nothing ever seems to get accomplished. "That Mom" can get overwhelmed at the littlest of things. "That Mom" is forgetful and one of the biggest things she forgets is how her kids need her. I never wanted to be "That Mom."
I'm realizing that a lot of my kids' negative behaviors are a result of a behavior either Jake or I have shown them or the fact that I don't leave enough room in my schedule...a.k.a. my LIFE...to just love on my kids. When the fighting happens, I'm typically not in the room. When the tantrums happen, we're usually hurrying somewhere or other. When my kids throw fits at the word "no", it's probably because I've used it an awful lot that day. I realize they're selfish too and want what they want when they want it....but mostly, it's me choosing to want other things over time on the floor, engaging in their worlds. How hard is it to eat a delicious meal the girls have made in their kitchen set? Or to build a fun city with Cole's blocks? Or to sing songs and dance silly with Laina in tow? You would think that sounds more fun than checking off a cleaning list, wouldn't you?
This is one of my favorite pictures of Hayden. It's a little blurry but I still love it. Jake had just gotten done building this robot with Cole and the girls and they were all so proud of the time and effort they took to make him together.
How crazy to think that moments like these can be had whenever a list is completed. I may not be "The Mom" and, while I'm sure there will be many times that I'll be "That Mom," the most important thing is that I'm their mom...and I want to be a mom who really was there.
The other day Cole had to be at his school at 9 A.M. for his preschool open house. I dropped the twins off with his mom (just one of the perks of her working at the school!) and then rushed Cole and Laina to the elementary to be on time. I wanted to be "The Mom." You know, the one who has everything perfectly organized, her child perfectly groomed...and then you throw in my love for and experience in the classroom and I think I've got this role of "The Mom" made. I'm a shoe-in!
Yeah.
What happened instead was me not getting all of us out the door in time, forgetting to wipe Cole's face from his cinnamon toast breakfast, putting his important medical form in my purse with Laina's uncapped bottle, only to have it leak all over my cell phone, wallet and melting that medical form to sticky shreds. In the midst of yelling at Cole while he threw a fit that he didn't get to play on the playground like the twins, holding the door to the kids' bedroom shut with Maurah having an outrageous tantrum on the other side and multiple other little events that could mirror both of these images I've portrayed, I came across this post and I realized that I'm not "The Mom." I'm "That Mom." "That Mom" is the one that's always rushing because she never leaves herself enough time. "That Mom" is always checking off her list but nothing ever seems to get accomplished. "That Mom" can get overwhelmed at the littlest of things. "That Mom" is forgetful and one of the biggest things she forgets is how her kids need her. I never wanted to be "That Mom."
I'm realizing that a lot of my kids' negative behaviors are a result of a behavior either Jake or I have shown them or the fact that I don't leave enough room in my schedule...a.k.a. my LIFE...to just love on my kids. When the fighting happens, I'm typically not in the room. When the tantrums happen, we're usually hurrying somewhere or other. When my kids throw fits at the word "no", it's probably because I've used it an awful lot that day. I realize they're selfish too and want what they want when they want it....but mostly, it's me choosing to want other things over time on the floor, engaging in their worlds. How hard is it to eat a delicious meal the girls have made in their kitchen set? Or to build a fun city with Cole's blocks? Or to sing songs and dance silly with Laina in tow? You would think that sounds more fun than checking off a cleaning list, wouldn't you?
This is one of my favorite pictures of Hayden. It's a little blurry but I still love it. Jake had just gotten done building this robot with Cole and the girls and they were all so proud of the time and effort they took to make him together.
Life in the Mitten State
We are here! Officially Michiganders again.
The move went incredibly well. We are all settling in and meeting up with old friends and family members we haven't seen very much these last four years. All in all, this is the very best place for us to be. Of course, it's not the ideal situation to move four little kids and two adults in with their parents but it has worked out so well, I just know that God's hand was in our moving here. Jake's parents have been so accommodating and pretty much moved all of their furniture out so we could bombard them with our clothes and toys of every sort.
We have kept very busy already in just our first week here. We had lots of meetings to get Cole signed up and ready for preschool (Monday is his first day!), we've attended football games and the fall carnival and Jake was in Ohio all day yesterday for a job interview. The meeting went really well and they're already down to the job being between Jake and one other guy. We should know next Monday if they're pursuing just him or not. Of course, in the middle of his interview, another church in Three Rivers called him, wanting to take their interviewing process with him further too. When it rains, it pours!
Could you please pray for us to have clarity in all of these decisions? I almost wrote to pray that the church in Ohio would work out (and, if I'm honest, this is what we really want) but I know that ultimately we want God's will. We always tell our kids that God's will is better than anything we could want, even if it doesn't seem that attractive from the get-go. I'm trying to keep that perspective now myself. It's funny how it's easy to "teach" something and much harder to really learn it, isn't it? So, any prayers for God's will in our lives are greatly appreciated and so coveted!
Also, if you could keep our kids in your prayers, I couldn't be more grateful. Every once in a while, we notice how they're struggling with our move a bit. Whether it's praying for our "old" blue house, asking for friends, or just acting out in general, it's obvious they're in a stage of adjustment. I'm a bit leery of moving again for this very reason. We're just getting them settled only to uproot them again? I worry especially about Cole with all of the newness happening in his life...a new home, a new town, new friends, new school, new church...it's hard to watch him sometimes.
I keep reminding myself that God is not just my God or just Jake's God. My God is Father to all of us, including my children. He loves them more than I could ever imagine to and He has a plan for them in all of this too. The question isn't just, "Where is God leading Jake and Megan?" but "Where is God leading Cole, Maurah, Hayden and Laina too?" After all, He knows who their friends will be, what school they'll attend, etc. He's got it all under control! I forget and tend to want to control those things myself for them.
We're on a journey, that's for certain. It will be exciting to see just how God moves in all of this. For now, we're treating this time as a sabbatical to just enjoy our family, make some good routines and habits and love on each other like we haven't really focused on doing in a very long time. There's a certain kind of freedom we have now to do these things. It's like a breath of fresh air. I'm looking at this time as a time to treasure. I don't know when/if I'll ever have days with Jake home all of the time again and, already, our full days at home with all of the kids are coming to an end. God is using this season to bring something great out of it for our family, I just know it. Thanks for being a part of our journey!
The move went incredibly well. We are all settling in and meeting up with old friends and family members we haven't seen very much these last four years. All in all, this is the very best place for us to be. Of course, it's not the ideal situation to move four little kids and two adults in with their parents but it has worked out so well, I just know that God's hand was in our moving here. Jake's parents have been so accommodating and pretty much moved all of their furniture out so we could bombard them with our clothes and toys of every sort.
We have kept very busy already in just our first week here. We had lots of meetings to get Cole signed up and ready for preschool (Monday is his first day!), we've attended football games and the fall carnival and Jake was in Ohio all day yesterday for a job interview. The meeting went really well and they're already down to the job being between Jake and one other guy. We should know next Monday if they're pursuing just him or not. Of course, in the middle of his interview, another church in Three Rivers called him, wanting to take their interviewing process with him further too. When it rains, it pours!
Could you please pray for us to have clarity in all of these decisions? I almost wrote to pray that the church in Ohio would work out (and, if I'm honest, this is what we really want) but I know that ultimately we want God's will. We always tell our kids that God's will is better than anything we could want, even if it doesn't seem that attractive from the get-go. I'm trying to keep that perspective now myself. It's funny how it's easy to "teach" something and much harder to really learn it, isn't it? So, any prayers for God's will in our lives are greatly appreciated and so coveted!
Also, if you could keep our kids in your prayers, I couldn't be more grateful. Every once in a while, we notice how they're struggling with our move a bit. Whether it's praying for our "old" blue house, asking for friends, or just acting out in general, it's obvious they're in a stage of adjustment. I'm a bit leery of moving again for this very reason. We're just getting them settled only to uproot them again? I worry especially about Cole with all of the newness happening in his life...a new home, a new town, new friends, new school, new church...it's hard to watch him sometimes.
I keep reminding myself that God is not just my God or just Jake's God. My God is Father to all of us, including my children. He loves them more than I could ever imagine to and He has a plan for them in all of this too. The question isn't just, "Where is God leading Jake and Megan?" but "Where is God leading Cole, Maurah, Hayden and Laina too?" After all, He knows who their friends will be, what school they'll attend, etc. He's got it all under control! I forget and tend to want to control those things myself for them.
We're on a journey, that's for certain. It will be exciting to see just how God moves in all of this. For now, we're treating this time as a sabbatical to just enjoy our family, make some good routines and habits and love on each other like we haven't really focused on doing in a very long time. There's a certain kind of freedom we have now to do these things. It's like a breath of fresh air. I'm looking at this time as a time to treasure. I don't know when/if I'll ever have days with Jake home all of the time again and, already, our full days at home with all of the kids are coming to an end. God is using this season to bring something great out of it for our family, I just know it. Thanks for being a part of our journey!
3 Seams & Laina's Birthday
I have the most exciting news!
We are teaming up with Inga over at '3seams' to raise money for her wonderful ministry! First of all, if you haven't ever heard of '3seams', you must go over and read about it RIGHT NOW! It's such a wonderful idea! I told Inga that I love how God is so amazing, He gifts us with talents and passions and then is able to use those special gifts - whatever they are - to spur on His love and His grace to others.
So, here's the deal. For Laina's first birthday party, we will be asking for no gifts since she has the 1 year-old world at her fingertips, thanks to three older siblings. Instead, we're asking for donations to support '3seams'.
What's even MORE exciting is that Laina will be wearing the dress that Inga has made for her at her birthday party. She will be so cute!
What's BEYOND EVEN THAT exciting is that Inga is making a trip to Haiti on September 16th and will have the duplicate dress that she gives to a little girl there which means that we will have the picture of this precious girl by Laina's birthday and will get to celebrate her too!
I'm beyond giddy. I really thought this wouldn't work out for some reason or another. I also thought that I might end up talking to some customer representative from the company or something, so when Inga emailed me back and shared with me how excited she was to make this happen, my soul went soaring.
Even with all of the chaos happening in our lives right now, we are planning on doing a much larger party than usual in order to get as much money as we can to support this great cause. You can donate too! If you would like to be a part of this and give Laina a birthday present that will make a difference in the world, please let me know! Either email me or leave a note in the comments section that you would like me to contact you with info on how to do it. Of course, you can always go to the '3seams' website too!
Please pray for us in these next coming weeks that God will move hearts to give generously so we can make a change and bless the children and the families of Haiti!
We are teaming up with Inga over at '3seams' to raise money for her wonderful ministry! First of all, if you haven't ever heard of '3seams', you must go over and read about it RIGHT NOW! It's such a wonderful idea! I told Inga that I love how God is so amazing, He gifts us with talents and passions and then is able to use those special gifts - whatever they are - to spur on His love and His grace to others.
So, here's the deal. For Laina's first birthday party, we will be asking for no gifts since she has the 1 year-old world at her fingertips, thanks to three older siblings. Instead, we're asking for donations to support '3seams'.
What's even MORE exciting is that Laina will be wearing the dress that Inga has made for her at her birthday party. She will be so cute!
What's BEYOND EVEN THAT exciting is that Inga is making a trip to Haiti on September 16th and will have the duplicate dress that she gives to a little girl there which means that we will have the picture of this precious girl by Laina's birthday and will get to celebrate her too!
I'm beyond giddy. I really thought this wouldn't work out for some reason or another. I also thought that I might end up talking to some customer representative from the company or something, so when Inga emailed me back and shared with me how excited she was to make this happen, my soul went soaring.
Even with all of the chaos happening in our lives right now, we are planning on doing a much larger party than usual in order to get as much money as we can to support this great cause. You can donate too! If you would like to be a part of this and give Laina a birthday present that will make a difference in the world, please let me know! Either email me or leave a note in the comments section that you would like me to contact you with info on how to do it. Of course, you can always go to the '3seams' website too!
Please pray for us in these next coming weeks that God will move hearts to give generously so we can make a change and bless the children and the families of Haiti!
More Love
I cannot get enough of this baby. I know I'm biased but I truly think she is the cutest baby ever born. Well....ever born in the year of 2009. There are some other pretty cute kids born in 2006 & 2008 that I know of. However, this little bug of mine takes the cake on modeling. I could sit and look at her all day. And then, as if the real thing wasn't great enough, I could sit and edit photos of her all night. She melts me with just one look of her gray/green eyes and when she says "Mama"....it's all over from there. I love her.
Summer Loves
I've just been writing and writing lately and pretty much none of it has been about any of my favorite moments of summer! Here are some pictures for you non-Facebook friends of mine (and because Facebook's quality of photos is so crummy) and also for those who turn to the blog for all of the pertinent info.....like the cuteness of our kids! And, yes, I'm really speaking to you, Grandma Janet! :)
Uncertainties
I have been so blessed by the world of blogs. In the last couple of weeks, I've had two blogs in particular speak into my life with the exact words I've needed to hear, at the exact time I needed to hear them.
Another change has come into our lives. At this point, I'm wondering why I'm still shocked when this happens. As of 7:30 PM yesterday, we are moving to Michigan to live with Jake's parents during this time of transition. Is it ideal? Absolutely not. Will there be a ton of adjustment for all of us? You'd better believe it. I think six extra people living anywhere is an adjustment, especially when four out of the six are under the age of five! Is this the best thing for our family? I really believe so.
Without being too dramatic, this is a day that I am a complete ball of emotions. I swing from one end of the pendulum to the other.
I'm excited about being by family and friends we haven't been around for four years BUT I'm sad to say goodbye to people who we love here.
I'm ready for Cole to start school and looking forward to that new chapter in our lives BUT I'm scared he won't get into the preschool I'm wanting and then what do we do?
I'm ready to be a part of our old home church and dive back into the ministries and small groups with people we know and love BUT we've been gone a long time and the church has changed. What if we don't fit right in again?
I'm excited to spend time with friends like the "old days" BUT they still have their lives and jobs that have continued since these last four years and I don't want to be the needy friend who wants to get together all of the time.
I love Michigan and everyone there so much that I know this in between time will be wonderful BUT will it be so wonderful that I'll be devastated having to leave it again?
We are wandering in the desert. We don't know where we're going. The age old question we all ask ourselves at some point or another is pressing on my heart so forcefully. Where do I belong? And, I'll add, that Satan is quick to jump on this insecurity of mine and magnify it all the more.
This is where the land of blogs comes in to play. On Angie's blog, she writes of how God knows us and knows what we need. We don't need to give Him an entire rundown of what is happening in our lives and what we so desperately desire for Him to do. I love how she uses the example that she knew when her daughter was crying that she needed her lamb and pacifier. She knew this because she knows her.
As a mom, I resonated with this story because there are so many times that I've known what my children need without them even telling me. We've all experienced this in some way or another, right? And if that's the case, how much more does my Heavenly Father know what I need? Angie's blog post brought me so much comfort just in the reminder that God DOES know before a word is even on my lips. He knows my innermost cries - even the ones I wouldn't share with anyone else. Seriously, you have to check out her blog if you get a chance. It's beautiful and I've learned so much. Can you tell I want you to go there since I'm linking to it so much?!?
Again today, after my great insecurities kept rolling in my mind and I was fighting to keep them at bay, I came across the latest post on Beth Moore's blog. Her daughter, Amanda, wrote on stepping away from ministry to concentrate more on her family. She mentioned Satan's lies of how she wouldn't be important any more now that she wasn't working full-time. This is exactly what is running through my head! "You won't fit anywhere. No one has time for you. You have nothing to offer now." Ah! It's excruciating. It's one of those things where I know I know I know that they are lies and that I have to put my focus back on God but it's a constant struggle.
The end of Amanda's post said this: "I know that many of you reading this are desperate for your situation – whatever that may be – to change. Please know that when you cry out to the Lord, He hears you! He knows what you are going through. He is your Shepherd and He cares for you. Pray, pray, pray. First Peter 5:7-8 says, “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” (NIV) I am asking God to show you His love, power and care right now."
I am desperate, but God hears me! I may feel alone, but He knows me! He WILL lift us up in due time...this gives me such peace. I know in my heart of hearts that God's timing is perfect and mine is not. That His ways are great and mine are like chaff. I am clinging to my Father and casting all of my cares upon Him. I am praying this will be a great time of growth in our dependence on Him.
He is my hope.
Another change has come into our lives. At this point, I'm wondering why I'm still shocked when this happens. As of 7:30 PM yesterday, we are moving to Michigan to live with Jake's parents during this time of transition. Is it ideal? Absolutely not. Will there be a ton of adjustment for all of us? You'd better believe it. I think six extra people living anywhere is an adjustment, especially when four out of the six are under the age of five! Is this the best thing for our family? I really believe so.
Without being too dramatic, this is a day that I am a complete ball of emotions. I swing from one end of the pendulum to the other.
I'm excited about being by family and friends we haven't been around for four years BUT I'm sad to say goodbye to people who we love here.
I'm ready for Cole to start school and looking forward to that new chapter in our lives BUT I'm scared he won't get into the preschool I'm wanting and then what do we do?
I'm ready to be a part of our old home church and dive back into the ministries and small groups with people we know and love BUT we've been gone a long time and the church has changed. What if we don't fit right in again?
I'm excited to spend time with friends like the "old days" BUT they still have their lives and jobs that have continued since these last four years and I don't want to be the needy friend who wants to get together all of the time.
I love Michigan and everyone there so much that I know this in between time will be wonderful BUT will it be so wonderful that I'll be devastated having to leave it again?
We are wandering in the desert. We don't know where we're going. The age old question we all ask ourselves at some point or another is pressing on my heart so forcefully. Where do I belong? And, I'll add, that Satan is quick to jump on this insecurity of mine and magnify it all the more.
This is where the land of blogs comes in to play. On Angie's blog, she writes of how God knows us and knows what we need. We don't need to give Him an entire rundown of what is happening in our lives and what we so desperately desire for Him to do. I love how she uses the example that she knew when her daughter was crying that she needed her lamb and pacifier. She knew this because she knows her.
As a mom, I resonated with this story because there are so many times that I've known what my children need without them even telling me. We've all experienced this in some way or another, right? And if that's the case, how much more does my Heavenly Father know what I need? Angie's blog post brought me so much comfort just in the reminder that God DOES know before a word is even on my lips. He knows my innermost cries - even the ones I wouldn't share with anyone else. Seriously, you have to check out her blog if you get a chance. It's beautiful and I've learned so much. Can you tell I want you to go there since I'm linking to it so much?!?
Again today, after my great insecurities kept rolling in my mind and I was fighting to keep them at bay, I came across the latest post on Beth Moore's blog. Her daughter, Amanda, wrote on stepping away from ministry to concentrate more on her family. She mentioned Satan's lies of how she wouldn't be important any more now that she wasn't working full-time. This is exactly what is running through my head! "You won't fit anywhere. No one has time for you. You have nothing to offer now." Ah! It's excruciating. It's one of those things where I know I know I know that they are lies and that I have to put my focus back on God but it's a constant struggle.
The end of Amanda's post said this: "I know that many of you reading this are desperate for your situation – whatever that may be – to change. Please know that when you cry out to the Lord, He hears you! He knows what you are going through. He is your Shepherd and He cares for you. Pray, pray, pray. First Peter 5:7-8 says, “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” (NIV) I am asking God to show you His love, power and care right now."
I am desperate, but God hears me! I may feel alone, but He knows me! He WILL lift us up in due time...this gives me such peace. I know in my heart of hearts that God's timing is perfect and mine is not. That His ways are great and mine are like chaff. I am clinging to my Father and casting all of my cares upon Him. I am praying this will be a great time of growth in our dependence on Him.
He is my hope.
Thankfulness
I think we're okay.
In fact, I know we're okay.
Thanks to all of you who commented or sent me a message on Facebook or an email. This blog is my main outlet for the realness of our life and I can't tell you how much it means to get your encouragement, support and prayers.
Sunday went pretty well, actually. Well, as well as you can expect when you completely stun over 400 people with the news that you will no longer be an active part of their lives in three weeks. I am thankful that I was able to pull aside Sarah, one of my girls from my small group, to tell her in private. We cried and cried but she was so incredibly understanding. And - get this - she actually said to me, "You have been teaching me to follow God no matter where He leads for the last 4 years so if you didn't do that now, what you've taught me would be completely hypocritical." Inside, I was giddy she said this. All I had wanted was this and I wrote about it here. The sweetness of God answering that prayer for me through her words was almost too much. I started bawling all over again.
Tomorrow night is our fall kick-off for youth group and I couldn't be more excited just to be surrounded by these high schoolers who have been one of the biggest parts of my life for the last four years. The memories are countless and their lives are so precious to me. Yes, even the kid that burps so loudly, you hear him on the opposite end of the church (and no, I'm not making him up. He's got a name and I'm thinking of him right now!). Right now, for me, that's love speak. Yep. I'm sick. I've got it bad.
Aside from that, we're just continuing to pray. And pray. And pray. It's such a tender balance to wait on God yet take steps of faith. If you do one of those too much, you could completely miss what He's really wanting you to see. So we're stepping gingerly and waiting fiercely.
Sarah was so cute because she said, "Is it wrong for me to not want you to go to another youth group? I feel like we're your kids and you're ours. I don't want you to be anyone else's!" No, Sarah, that's not wrong at all. I am actually feeling the same thing! We'll see where God leads. He's always been faithful and always provided.
Psalm 37:25 - I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread.
Thank you, Lord, for your goodness to us. Your love is better than all the riches of the world.
In fact, I know we're okay.
Thanks to all of you who commented or sent me a message on Facebook or an email. This blog is my main outlet for the realness of our life and I can't tell you how much it means to get your encouragement, support and prayers.
Sunday went pretty well, actually. Well, as well as you can expect when you completely stun over 400 people with the news that you will no longer be an active part of their lives in three weeks. I am thankful that I was able to pull aside Sarah, one of my girls from my small group, to tell her in private. We cried and cried but she was so incredibly understanding. And - get this - she actually said to me, "You have been teaching me to follow God no matter where He leads for the last 4 years so if you didn't do that now, what you've taught me would be completely hypocritical." Inside, I was giddy she said this. All I had wanted was this and I wrote about it here. The sweetness of God answering that prayer for me through her words was almost too much. I started bawling all over again.
Tomorrow night is our fall kick-off for youth group and I couldn't be more excited just to be surrounded by these high schoolers who have been one of the biggest parts of my life for the last four years. The memories are countless and their lives are so precious to me. Yes, even the kid that burps so loudly, you hear him on the opposite end of the church (and no, I'm not making him up. He's got a name and I'm thinking of him right now!). Right now, for me, that's love speak. Yep. I'm sick. I've got it bad.
Aside from that, we're just continuing to pray. And pray. And pray. It's such a tender balance to wait on God yet take steps of faith. If you do one of those too much, you could completely miss what He's really wanting you to see. So we're stepping gingerly and waiting fiercely.
Sarah was so cute because she said, "Is it wrong for me to not want you to go to another youth group? I feel like we're your kids and you're ours. I don't want you to be anyone else's!" No, Sarah, that's not wrong at all. I am actually feeling the same thing! We'll see where God leads. He's always been faithful and always provided.
Psalm 37:25 - I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread.
Thank you, Lord, for your goodness to us. Your love is better than all the riches of the world.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
A New Spark
June also brought with it a somewhat new adventure for Maurah. She joined MainStage Academy of Dance in the winter and showcased her work t...
