Enough

How many days do you feel like you're not enough?

This is a struggle that I really thought I had come to terms with.  One that I had beaten down and gotten over.  The thorn in my flesh that I had plucked out and thrown away for good.

And then yesterday happened.  All of the sudden, everything that I've been pursuing was pulled down, put on the ground, and stomped on while all I heard was, "you're not ______ enough."  Go ahead and fill in the blank.

Creative enough.

Thin enough.

Patient enough.

Spiritual enough.

Kind enough.

Selfless enough.

Humble enough.

Smart enough.

Bold enough.

Focused enough.

The list goes on.  Last night I just sat in this very chair I'm in right now and rambled off to Jake how I'm failing in every single area of my life.  That I'll never measure up.  That there's no way all of the things I hope to be will ever happen because they are all such different things.  That I don't have the capacity to be what I long to be.  And why?

Why do I believe all of these things that I know are lies?  Why do I lower my standard and say that I am not capable of being the kind of woman, wife, mom, photographer, believer that I want to be?  Why?!?

I'm doing a study with Jake and, in it, the author said something that I have been running through my mind this entire week.  He says,

The gospel, if it is really believed, removes neediness - the need to be constantly respected, appreciated, and well regarded; the need to have everything in your life go well; the need to have power over others.  All of these great, deep needs continue to control you only because the concept of the glorious God delighting in you with all his being is just that - a concept and nothing more.  Our hearts don't believe it so they operate in default mode.  Paul is saying (in Titus 2) that if you want to really change, you must let the gospel teach you - that is to train, discipline, coach you - over a period of time.  You must let the gospel argue with you.  You must let the gospel sink down deeply into your heart, until it changes your motivation and views and attitudes.

-Tim Keller, Gospel in Life

That's just it for me - I'm believing in a concept but not really understanding how deep the Father's love is for me.  I don't wake up every day, thankful for the cross, recognizing how incredible and profound two beams nailed together really are.

This morning I read a few chapters in Romans and chapter 8 really spoke to me regarding this idea again:

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword...No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 I am trying so desperately hard to believe this with all of me.  To believe it so much that it dictates my every move throughout the day.  That I let this truth sink deeply in my heart and change me.

I am prone to disbelief because I don't truly believe.  I am prone to falling into lies because I don't fully recognize the truth.  It's one thing to recognize how incredible God is...that, I have no problem doing.  It's a whole other thing to recognize how incredible God's love is for me.  It's so mind-blowing, it's hard to swallow.

The truth is, on my own, I'm not enough.  But what's so awesome is that I'm not on my own.  I have the living, breathing Spirit of God within me.  So I don't have to get over this on my own.  I don't have to depend on myself to beat down and get over this temptation.  It's not my job alone to pluck this thorn out of my flesh and toss it away.

I have Someone with me who tells me that I am more than a conqueror when I find my hope and strength in Him.  

I have Someone who tells me I am more than enough...I was enough for Him to die for me and, not only that, but enough for Him to rise again so I can one day be with Him forever. 

I'm choosing today to marinate my heart in the gospel.  I'm choosing to allow it to change me and this weak, weak faith I have.  I will say that I am enough and stop comparing myself to others.  Because I have a Savior who thinks I measure up just fine.  He's been wanting to tell me this for a long time and I just never listened.  I'm praying that changes today.